Pain and more pain

I’m in a great deal of pain daily at the moment. Getting back to any kind of training hasn’t even been an option. On top of that, my anxiety/PTSD issues are really bad right now so even the idea of going to the gym is too much. At the moment, I do my work at home, go to the childminding gig 3 days a week, and that’s it. My boyf lives with me and has been a massive help, but he’s the only person I see lately. Even walking into the town fills me with anxiety.

I hate that I can’t train. It was the one thing that made me feel good about myself and now I’ve lost it too. I hate this body and what its become. I used to be strong, fit, lean.. Now I disgust myself.

I don’t see a way out. The only thing I can do it upper body work which doesn’t make sense as I’ll be creating imbalances and it wouldn’t be much use anyway. Even the crosstrainer makes my leg go numb so it’s not an option either. Everyone says ‘go swimming’, well I would if I thought it would work but it’s actually the least decent form of cardio there is and it has little strength benefits at all. Also, I’d rather not have my scars on display in a public pool.

When I hated my body as a teenager, the gym was the thing that changed me. It made me like myself. It gave me confidence. Now I’ve lost that. I’ve lost so much, and now this too.

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