Pain and more pain

I’m in a great deal of pain daily at the moment. Getting back to any kind of training hasn’t even been an option. On top of that, my anxiety/PTSD issues are really bad right now so even the idea of going to the gym is too much. At the moment, I do my work at home, go to the childminding gig 3 days a week, and that’s it. My boyf lives with me and has been a massive help, but he’s the only person I see lately. Even walking into the town fills me with anxiety.

I hate that I can’t train. It was the one thing that made me feel good about myself and now I’ve lost it too. I hate this body and what its become. I used to be strong, fit, lean.. Now I disgust myself.

I don’t see a way out. The only thing I can do it upper body work which doesn’t make sense as I’ll be creating imbalances and it wouldn’t be much use anyway. Even the crosstrainer makes my leg go numb so it’s not an option either. Everyone says ‘go swimming’, well I would if I thought it would work but it’s actually the least decent form of cardio there is and it has little strength benefits at all. Also, I’d rather not have my scars on display in a public pool.

When I hated my body as a teenager, the gym was the thing that changed me. It made me like myself. It gave me confidence. Now I’ve lost that. I’ve lost so much, and now this too.

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Goodbye squat rack, hello orthopaedic surgeon

To say that last session was a bad idea, would be an understatement.

I wound up in serious pain, to the point where my leg actually locked out so much one night that I couldn’t move it for about 5minutes.  So I decided ‘fuck that neuroscience shit, fuck the physio bullshit’ and I went to my GP.  My GP is amazing and was astounded I had left it over a year to tell him about my back and my scan results; I guess I’d been pulled into the ‘physios are always best’ opinions that had been thrown at me and hadn’t thought to myself ‘who is best qualified to refer me for the best treatment?’.  My GP straightaway referred me to an orthopaedic surgeon and told me I could be a candidate for surgery, but that there are also options such as nerve block injections that may help me.  As I didn’t have health insurance, it was going to take a few months to get my appointment – even though he put it through as ‘urgent’, but thankfully my (amazing) boyfriend came to the rescue and added me to his company insurance so I can go private.

So I’m not too sure what to do training wise now.  For once, I’m actually going to listen and not do any lower body training – mainly because I can hardly walk so it wouldn’t be possible even if I tried.  That said, I can still do upper body conditioning sessions and when the pain eases up I should be able to use the crosstrainer again.

It’s shit that I have to quit doing what I love, but what’s the point in deadlifting 100kg one day if you can’t walk the next?

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Chronic Pain Management

I’m really having a bit of a hard time pain wise at the moment. Been looking into the neuroscience of pain quite alot, but when 3 days after training you’re still avoiding walking at all costs, and having your boyfriend knead the fuck out of your leg to regain any actual movement (which is in no way sensual, FYI), you start to question just how much it’s worth it.

But then I remind myself of how few things there are in this world that make me feel the way I do with a barbell in my grip; that make me feel powerful, invincible even – for just a few hours… And then ‘worthwhile’ becomes a whole new ballgame and tells the pain to go FUCK ITSELF

I’ve recently re-added some pull work and things like rowing back into my training which I’m determined to follow through with, because I really don’t believe they’re worsening my ‘injury’ as such; yes they’re worsening the pain level but that’s a result of my body’s interpretation of what it should be feeling and not a direct result of an increased injury. I hope that makes sense, it makes sense in my head anyway!  I feel like my mind is cheating me right now, I’m stressed so it’s telling me not to train; my leg hurts so it’s telling me not to train or it will get worse – so in turn, my body is listening and reacting in the same way. Almost as if to penalise me for not adhering to this warped cognitive process. i.e. ‘this is going to hurt, so I’m going to tense up and protect myself’, when in reality it’s the muscle tension that’s leading to escalate the pain further.

Despite believing all of that with regards to the origins of the pain though, it certainly doesn’t help when it’s as bad as its been the past few days. So here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day and I can get back to the gym and teach it who’s boss.

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Strength (2) Session

This was my first session back training after a really bad few weeks with PTSD issues kicking my ass, and if I’m honest, I nearly turned back about 5 times on the way there.  But I made it, and I got through it.  My legs felt shaky, so the squats went nowhere fast, and everything just felt ‘off’, but I was determined to finish out the session.

It’s now 3 days later and I’m in a great deal of pain, which it’s very hard not to sink into.  Some of it was the normal DOMS, but now on Day 3, I’m still dealing with the nerve issue that causes this constant pain to sear up and down my leg, no matter what I do to try to ease it.  I wish I could say it’s no worse than it usually is, but it’s much worse.  Training exacerbates it, that’s clear. What I need to figure out over the next while, is whether I can do anything about that.

Lower body Mobility – Lots.

Strength Work 

Front Squats







Step ups with 10kg plate: 4×8 e/s

Plank: 60sec,60sec,30sec

DB Incline Press, Alternate:




Single Arm Rows:22.5kg 4×8

Side Bridging: 3x30sec e/s

DB Bicep Curls 10kg: 5×10

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